Grandma Sue- One Year with the King of Kings

I was a bit blindsided this morning when I woke up and started to get ready for church only to find an email in my inbox from my mom labeled "Grandma Sue- June 3...One Year with the King of Kings." Oh my. I knew the one year anniversary of my beloved Grandma's passing was in June but I didn't know it was today. And I certainly hadn't prepared myself for it either. As I began to read my mom's amazing email recalling Proverbs 31 and the legacy of my Gram, I was overwhelmed with so many thoughts and emotions. So many, in fact, that halfway through the day I had to stop and dust off the old blogging keys to pen them down. Warning: they are long and sporadic and mostly just therapeutic as I preach to myself ha.

A little background on this story...well, that's a bit difficult because really there are no words to do any such fill-in justice if you aren't a member of my extended family or close to it. It's hard to comprehend or express and even to do so seems kind of cheap. But nevertheless, my family on my mom's side rolls about 35-40 people deep (the number just keeps growing) with 19 of us being grandchildren and many more now added through marriage, and we all would drop everything in a heartbeat to help out another. Every. Last. One of us. No stragglers. Just last weekend a group of us flew into Colorado to celebrate Scotty Bear's wedding (my first cousin who is one month younger than me). Three and a half days spent in the Rocky Mountains together at a YMCA lodge, celebrating a wonderful occasion. No TV...just time to really spend time together and...drink coffee haha. I know, sounds mushy. But it was just what the doctor ordered for me, and I would assume, for most of us.

So, just in the last week alone I have had a lot to think about and process, and I promise that trip ties into the title and main point of this blog post if you stay with me ha. In the email from my mom this morning there was an exchange where a couple of my Aunts responded about their beloved Mother and man, it just really hit me hard. I immediately ran to the website with the list of archived Charles Spurgeon quotes, because I remembered one about "legacy" that I thought expressed my thoughts perfectly (as Spurgeon usually has a way of doing). It was this one:

"Let us be banded together as one man; let us contend earnestly for the faith once delivered to the saints; let us pray with fervour, let us live in holiness, let us preach constantly, and preach with fire, and let us so live, that we may impress our age, and leave our footprints on the sands of time." -CHS

Wow. I'm a bit speechless right now at just how dead on that sums up my Grandmother. Anyone who came in contact with her would be incapable of objecting to that statement. She had a rough upbringing from what I was always told, and yet, there came a point in her life where the Lord saved her and gave her the gift of faith in her perfect, risen Savior. It was from that point on that my Gram, by grace alone, made a decision to contend earnestly for that faith that was delivered to her, and thus, to spend the rest of her life praying with fervor, living in holiness, preaching constantly and preaching with fire. But let me get one thing straight as well, the point of this is not to sit here and make my Grandma out to be a perfect saint. A saint, yes, but perfect, hardly. None of us are. Simply sinners who, save the grace of God, would be left slaves to sin and bound to our depraved nature. I say all of this about my Gram with the disclaimer that she would have a fit if I was speaking of her in this manner, but would perhaps oblige as long as I made one thing clear: it was not her doing this, but rather it was Christ in her. Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." She would speak of herself in no manner other than Paul did in his testimony in Philippians...chief of sinners who was saved despite herself.

But with all that in the forefront, what we have been left with, what my family of 40 and I have been left with, is a legacy described above in Spurgeon's quote. A legacy that impressed her age and left footprints on the sands of time. Absolutely incredible and beyond words. Gram, you did it. You finished strong. You suffered 8 long years of a disease that robbed you of your memory, but not of your faith. You went out of this world suffering no doubt, but no more than your Savior did. I believe you considered it pure joy to suffer on behalf of your King. Pleasant and painless? No. But joyful to the core of you, I have zero doubts. Never fading and never unresponsive to the scripture and prayers of your family who loved you so.

The faith of my Grandmother, a faith unapologetically based on Christ and His finished work on the cross for our sins, has built a foundation strong enough to hold up an entire family, even beyond her years on this earth. I don't believe that is an overstatement, and I don't believe it is a stretch to say that the faith of my Grandma affects most of what I and the rest of my family do on a daily basis. Raising up 5 kids in the Lord, who went on to raise their own kids in the Lord...do you see the effect? We are who we are, largely, because of those who reared us and Grandparents set the tone for that (reminded of 1 Timothy 1:5), and praise God for the faith of my Grandma (and Grandpa) who started it all. We all have our own stories about Gram giving us godly advice, or praying for each one of us every morning by name, or speaking her mind, or even being there when she shared her faith with a stranger. But this became even more evident to me this past weekend when we were all sitting around talking and catching up in Colorado. My Gram was mentioned by name a lot, for instance I heard: "Grandma Sue always said, never date a girl that drinks a beer out of a bottle...it's not classy. MAN. That always stuck with me haha!" but I also heard her in different ways too. I heard one of my cousins explain that the scripture is the guideline in which he abides by in life, and that if he reads it in the Bible then he is ready and willing to defend it the rest of his life. Wow. I saw my Gram in the way that we fellowshipped with each other...how our talk, for the most part, was void of superficiality and yet we laughed and had fun with each other. How we truly cared about one another and genuinely feel that the goal is to see each other grow in holiness and faith in the Lord even if it wasn't explicitly said in words. We didn't turn a blind eye to the realities of life or the weariness we often face in this world. We have been through a lot together. We have been through a lot together with our Grandma. To waste time pretending everything is perfect and not deal with reality...is just that, a waste of time.

Have you any idea how valuable a family like this is? Certainly not, because there is no price tag. Far greater than any material thing on this earth is a family in which the understood, underlying goal is to go through life together, strengthening each other in Christ even when you know it isn't easy. And once again, this is not to portray my family as perfect by any means. HA. We would all laugh at the thought. I am also not trying to idolize family, because often times we can do that. I just wanted to take the time to write with gratitude about the blessing my family has been in my life. We don't always get along, we don't always see eye to eye, we aren't all best friends, and we think differently on a lot of issues, but the common bond of Christ crucified unifies us above all else. Draw lines in the sand of truth and we will all be lined up on the same side, together. There is no doubt in any of our minds that the faith of our Grandma Sue is not to be thanked for that. Perhaps I feel the strongest about this bond because I am the furthest away from my family in miles, and yet am still able to feel connected to them because of this. And the bond that I am describing is no different than any brother or sister in the Lord. Even if you don't have any relatives who you share this with, this is no different than how the body of Christ works. I am just blessed to have a microcosm of the Church right here in my own family.

Sundays, even when not the one year anniversary of my Grandma's passing, are always that day in which the superficiality and distractions of the week burn away and I am left feeling empty by the world and thirsting for the truth of scripture to revive my weary soul. Sundays, even without the sorrow of remembering my Gram's beautiful life, are always the time when I tend to miss my family the most because my eyes are opened to see that there isn't much in this life that matters outside of faith in my Lord, my loving husband and his fellowship, and my brothers and sisters in Christ which includes my family who lives on the other side of the country. Therefore, on these days, I miss them so. No palm tree or sunny beach can relieve this. But oh so much more did I miss them on this day in which I longed to just sit with the ones who knew my Grandma like I did. Who, without words, could remember her and her legacy with me as we comfort one another. 

Bless my husband's little heart, he wasn't prepared for today either haha. By 1pm I was a hot mess as the reality of my Grandma's one year of being with the Lord sank further in. My heart longed for someone to share my sorrow with, and as much as he wished he could comfort me, he didn't know my grandma like I did. The time he had with her was special, but it was mostly after she had gotten sick. So he did the next best thing, and called my mom to talk to her and get her on the phone to talk to me. He said it was what I needed, and what a blessing to have a husband that is sensitive to that. Sure enough I got on the phone with my mom and it was just what I needed. She was the FIRST one to remind me that Gram wouldn't want me crying or upset over any of this. She told me that Gram would have said something like this "Stop that. No need to cry. You have a loving husband and a great place to live. You aren't in the hospital. Now if you were in the hospital, THEN I would be crying and feeling sorry for you." HA! That is exactly what Gram would have said, and hearing my mom say that made me laugh. You could tell my mom had gotten that speech many a times as she also has lived away from her family for the last 20 years. What a blessing it was as my mom and I talked and remembered my Grandma together.

I would like to also add that my Grandma doesn't NEED anyone to honor her or her life on this earth. The chief end of mankind is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Gram, the moment you left this earth, that was fulfilled to the maximum for you. You now are glorifying the Lord and enjoying Him forever in the purest form imaginable. You don't need us to honor your life here on this earth, but your legacy lives on regardless. And there is really no better way of honoring that legacy than continuing on the things that you lived for and that Spurgeon so plainly spells out as the only true way to leave a lasting one: contending for the faith delivered to us, living in holiness, praying with fervor, and preaching constantly and preaching with fire. Wow. There IS no better way to live this life than that, and it just so happens to be the legacy my Gram left us with. Let us, by the grace of God, go and live this, for the glory of God alone. That is why Gram did it. For His glory not hers.

 So in closing, I remember my Grandma Sue's last years in which she persevered in the Lord through the weariness of Alzheimer's disease. I remember how she finished strong and how she was being sanctified through the fiery trials until the very last breath, just as we all will be on this earth. Her suffering also sanctified those around her and drew us closer to the Lord. What a reminder that is for me when I deal with my own trials, like today when dealing with the sorrow of being far away from my family. I remember the life of my Grandma as well as the many saints in the Bible and how the point of this life is not to have personal peace and affluence (as we are reminded by Francis Shaeffer). That is not the message found in the scriptures. But instead the point is to glorify the Lord and draw near to him as we are molded into the image of His Son, until that final day when we will finally be perfected in glory. We are to press on as the ones who came before us did despite their trials, just like my Gram, and stayed faithful and consistent in the little things, day in and day out until their final days. Not perfectly, but with fervency, nonetheless. They denied themselves for the sake of their Savior. In the end, what else matters? May that be the legacy we continue on as we remember our loved ones who paved the way for us. I write this, for the most part, so that I myself may never forget. Soli Deo Gloria.

Oh Nostalgia...

So tonight, I find myself sitting alone at a Starbucks next to my apartment. Just me, my computer, some Spurgeon books, and a drink. I can't help but enjoy and bask in the extreme sense of nostalgia that is consuming me right now. This...THIS is how this all started in the first place. This is how this blog came about. Sitting here right now represents my humble beginnings of being a college student in 2008...sitting out for a season from basketball due to the transfer rules. I had just moved to the University of Florida and away from my comfortable circles full of professing christians and FCA events to boast my piety. There I was, radically changed and transformed, from my wicked heart within, into a new creature that the Lord had awakened out of pride and self-righteousness and unto His perfect, imputed righteousness. There I was, no basketball to lean on (I practiced but couldn't compete or travel with the team). My nights were simple: grab your notebook Sue...here's a pen and a Bible and your A.W. Pink book. Go. And I would be at Starbucks until they shut it down at 12am (oh the beauty of a college town ha) 4 or 5 nights out of the week. Why not? My team was out of town most of the time, and when they weren't my teammates (also my roommates) just lovingly shook their heads when I would come home at such late hours with my backpack of theological goods glued to my back. The Lord had me so wrapped up in His word and Himself I couldn't fathom doing anything else with my time.

I would write for hours. Then come home and translate some of it into a blog post. I didn't know it at the time, but wow, I would have cherished that time a lot more had I known it wouldn't last forever. Who hasn't longed for the joy of their salvation to return and to be so in tuned with what the Lord was teaching them that they were deemed an absolute bore by the world? ha. Seriously though. The memories are like a sweet taste on my tongue. They are like a lingering aroma of something delicious being cooked in the Kitchen. Oh may they never ever fade away. My words are failing me at this point because I don't have the right ones to accurately describe these dear times that the Lord used to mold and shape me. But the beauty is, I don't have to. Any brother or sister of mine reading this right now knows exactly what I am describing, because we have all been there. Some still are. Some will be there again soon. The paradoxical time of being in darkness yet light. Wrestling with weakness and sin, yet glorying in repentance and newness of life. Oh what a gift it is from the Lord.

It's crazy because looking back I know that had I been doing anything else with my time, I would have been disobeying the Lord. Man, His draw was so strong. And thinking about what all He prepared me for as a result of this time, is quite incredible. I was experiencing a couple of situations of extreme sanctification in which the Lord had turned up the fires on my comfort levels and my idolatry of certain things (basketball was one) and also just my dependence on my family and other people. So there I was...just me and the Lord. Such a time of uncertainty for me should have been frightening, but I found myself basking in the presence of Him. Every night I would rush out of the apartment so I could take that ice cold glass of water to my dry, thirsty throat.

This went on for a while. But it didn't go on forever. The pace picked up. The schedule got busy. The callings changed. The distractions ran its course (Praise the Lord for the gift of repentance). So it has always been a struggle of mine: this longing for the times of when my life consisted of that backpack and that pen and raggedy notebook and Jeff Noblit sermon on my ipod. Where did they go? Am I less of a Christian because they have faded?

It is times like these that I am so grateful for the preaching that has come into my life, especially the last few years, that has shifted my sometimes southern baptist moralistic traditions to the scriptures. They have pointed me OUTSIDE of myself and my emotions, actions, and devotions, and instead upward to the Lord. God is not served by human hands. May my subjectivity not be the basis of how I feel, for my stance with the Lord remains objective: I am His. If I was saved by grace, what makes me think it is anything other than grace that keeps me? May I find joy and rest in the promises God has made and the gifts He has given me: the church family and the believing husband-to-be and the sacraments of the Word, Communion, and Baptism which are all PROMISES of God's faithfulness to me, not another opportunity for me to prove my commitment to Him. (I contrast this rest with the "what are you doing for Jesus" rat race).

It is not my intent to say in any way that we should not be committed to spending time with the Lord. Never. I am more stressing the different seasons the Lord brings us through and our proper responses to them. The chief end of mankind is to glorify the Lord and enjoy Him forever. The ways in which we bring Him glory will not always look the same, but they WILL always involve obedience to Him and what He is calling.

You see...had He not called me here, to this lonely table (only 2,500 miles east) 3 years ago with my pen and my Bible, I wouldn't have been prepared for when the busy schedule came and the new callings emerged. It filled me up and gave me the foundation to stand on when the circumstances changed and there I was standing on the battlefield and my teammates were asking me tough questions about homosexuality and the chains of sin.

Praise be to God.

So while I started off this post with the intent to just ramble and reminisce, I think there are some conclusions to be drawn. The Lord brings seasons of different things in and out of our lives. We all can relate. The times when we are pouring with delight in the Lord and His word. The times when we are crawling through the Spiritual desert and begging the Lord to show His face again. Or the times, perhaps most frightening, when we are just nonchalant and distant. The time in which the Lord takes me away from everything and draws me unto Himself, I am certain, will always be the most coveted times for me. They seem to come at times like these (Lane is out of town for the next 8 days) when my time is freed up from my normal routine. I pray that the Lord would continue to draw me in during these times and that I wouldn't waste them on silly distractions which I am SO guilty of doing.

I used to laugh at the ladies that said: "Single ladies, cherish your time of being single, you can never get it back! Take advantage of the preparation time you have, for there is a lot you can do while single that you cannot do as a married woman." I thought, surely that is just something someone would say who WASN'T experiencing the periodic frustrations of being without the love of a man. But haha, I am laughing a little bit right now because I am finding a lot of truth in their statement. Even though I am not married yet, I am in a serious relationship in which marriage is right around the corner. I already barely have any alone time as it is and I don't even share my house with anyone yet! But you see, if we do not take advantage of the time in which the Lord has set apart for just Himself, will we be properly equipped for what is to come? I can only imagine what the joyous and exciting next phase of my life will bring, but I know it will be different. Glorifying the Lord as a wife and a mother looks a lot different than as a basketball player or as a single woman in general. No matter what season I am in, may I never stop spending time with the Lord so he may teach me and mold me and prepare me for these things. May I take heed to my own nostalgic ramblings. Otherwise, I will certainly crash and burn. For it is written: “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4)

I Need the Gospel

There is nothing more terrifying in all of my imagination than being left to my flesh, to my natural self. The thought of the Lord turning me over to the sin that so deeply burns within me is the most disgusting, most disturbing thought I ever can imagine. And yet the Lord has every right to. He has no reason to save me from the depths of depravity that is called Susan Yenser. None. I deserve to be left in my sin to die and be punished eternally for my wicked heart that is set in enmity towards God and towards my neighbor. I fail so miserably in fulfilling the law. I don’t love God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and I don’t love my neighbor as myself. The only time I remotely show progress in doing so, it is Christ doing it through me. Not very often does the Lord show us the true depths of our own sin. But woe be to the one whom He does. Every ounce of my being is tainted with the fall and with the inclination to dishonor my Lord. The reality of Romans 7 has me turning the very same direction that it had Paul and that is to cry out WHO CAN SAVE ME FROM THIS? Who can I turn to that will take me out of this miserable state of flailing around in sin and lawlessness even when the spirit in me does not want to? Thanks be to Jesus Christ, my Lord, who can deliver me from this body of death! The moments when all of Christ’s love and grace and mercy seem to have been removed from you so that you can sit and burn a little in the sting of your own sin, to a Christian, is it not the most terrifying of states? To see sin and to know that you cannot fight it on your own strength, is there any more frustrating of a position? It certainly doesn’t feel like it. It certainly feels like the most hopeless of all situations. To be left to myself in my sins, oh Lord, I can think of nothing worse.

My words only fail me at this point. They don’t do this topic justice. I must turn outside of myself. I, like Paul, do not cry out to myself for the remedy. I must cry out to the only, perfect, redeeming Savior, Jesus Christ. He has fulfilled the Law. He has done it for me. If it wasn’t for His righteousness I would be the savage that my heart was enslaved to be. Even when the Lord lets me feel those chains of slavery that were mine, may it not let me lose heart. Though it may for the moment, may it never keep me so down that I forget to look back up to the righteousness of my Lord that has saved me from myself and from Himself and His wrath.

Don’t give me your bankrupt preaching. Don’t give me a gospel that points me to myself. Don’t even give me a gospel that points me somewhat to myself and somewhat to Christ. It makes me want to vomit right now just thinking about it. Yes, the taste of sin in my mouth and the thought of being preached a watered down message that is pseudo-orthodox mixed in with the latest celebrity pastor’s own thoughts and reason literally makes my stomach turn with nausea. The thought that you would even try to give me more law on top of sincere disgust for the sin within myself, makes me feel hopeless. Don’t give me the Rick Warren message that “God smiles when you be you.” In this state of hatred for the burning of the sin that seems to be hijacking my body and ruining my soul, DO NOT tell me that God is giving me a mulligan to re-do my life. A second chance. Don’t you see??? With this sin that is festering…I will only make it worse the second time around! I need a Savior! I need someone who did it FOR ME in my place while I sit here hopeless and unable to even move right or left without a sinful thought or deed. I need a message that will make me fall down on my face. One that will make me fight like hell. One that rages war on this sin within me and conquers it, not because of my actions, but because of the actions of Another.

I am a Christian and I need the Gospel. So much so that right now it seems so desperate as if I could not breathe another breath without it.

Most Assuredly.

Listen. I can work really hard

to try and pretend,

that my flesh and my skin

don't want to depend

on worldly definitions

to define and defend

the most coveted of all:

my reputation before men.

But then,

I'd be lying and deceiving myself.

Denying a disease while it eats at your health,

is like a poor man pretending he is of great wealth.

All the while, the truth is not stealth.

Hold that veneer up to the fire

and see how long 'til it melts.

You see, as a Christian the truth must prevail,

no matter how hazy or masquerading the veil.

My fate is not floating around in the air.

My Father has bought me.

No room for despair.

So then why do I feel confusion of sorts?

Searching among men bound to a nature of torts

to find something only found in my Father's courts?

My soul longs for comfort. My mind longs for rest.

For a time void of trivial talking and jest.

Maybe I've just been distracted to death?

Or at least the time being, and now all thats left

is a longing for His grace to give me new breath.

Most assuredly, breath that I do not deserve.

The kind that was given to the dry bones in His word.

But it's so easy to give into the notion

that I deserve more, after all this devotion.

Devotion?

My child please take time to reflect

on Christ Jesus our Lord

who for the sake of the elect,

endured the wrath of His Father

and took on a gross death.

All the while, He sinned not.

Let me say that again:

While Jesus walked on this earth,

He did so without sin.

The Lord sent His son because WE cannot do it.

We cannot satisfy God's wrath for our sin

and that is all there is to it.

So why do I think I have something to offer?

Like I have to run around this earth pretending to be the potter?

'Til that one day

I realize I'm the clay.

The Lord takes that luster

and strips it away.

I'm left standing there,

dirty and gray.

Nothing to say.

Hand over my mouth as my facade fades away.

Oh but it hurts down to my inner most being.

Pruning the vine. Faith without seeing.

Unrest and regret turns into pleading.

That I may hold fast to the scripture I'm reading.

Sanctification: what a wonderful word.

Its fires are hot, but be not deterred:

It's a promise you'll see all that which you've heard.

Sovereignty is not just something we preach.

As though when trials come, our doctrine retreats.

Instead dig down deep,

though in sorrow you weep,

into the Promises our Father, most assuredly, keeps.

Maintenance

Doing some site maintenance. As you all could probably tell, the blog needed a makeover. Will probably be changing a few times in the next week until I nail down a good look.

Earthquake

Wow, it has been forever since I've actually written on this thing. I'm semi-embarrassed :/ but I realize that this blog got its start during the year that I was sitting out of bball due to NCAA transfer rules. No basketball games and lots of blog writing had a direct correlation sooooo maybe now that my career is officially finished I will write more? We shall see.

A quick update, I have moved to Southern California this past month and actually started my {new life} out here. It's a lot at once for sure: my identity as a college athlete has come to an end, my super long distance relationship with Lane has come to an end (not the relationship just the long distance part haha), and I am thousands of miles from my family and friends. But the Lord is so gracious, and His orchestrating of all the details has been glorious. I am so blessed to have a job out here which I started today. I am a 'National Trainee' for Sears Holdings Co. so I am training as a retail manager there. I interned with them last summer during summer bball conditioning at school and the Lord blessed me with a job offer from that. And they were able to place me out here on the west coast, so like I said, the Lord orchestrated all of that according to His will. I can't believe that I actually get to eat lunch with Lane and hang out whenever we want to, and it doesn't involve flying across the country to see each other. It has been more than amazing so far.

The reformed fellowship out here is incredible. It actually blows me away. Lane and I are attending Christ Reformed Church which is pastored by Kim Riddlebarger from the White Horse Inn radio show. To have listened to that for years and now be sitting under Kim's teachings is such a huge blessing. Also, a best friend of mine THAT I MET FROM THIS BLOG (yea we started off as cyber weirdo friends lol) lives an hour south of me. Getting to fellowship with her and her husband more has been longgg awaited. I have met so many great people already out here that it's so exciting to think about what all the Lord is doing. Now that my job has started and I'm working full time, time-management is going to be crucial for me again. But its amazing that I go to work every morning and I feel relieved that my manager can't make me get on the line and run sprints til I die. Haha. I know that sounds ridiculous, but its a huge burden off my shoulders. Crazy. I wonder how long that feeling will last.

I pray that the Lord would use me for His glory in this next phase of my life. I don't know what that looks like, really. For so long, my calling was so clear. And as hard as it was to be a vessel broken by the Lord in the midst of the ungodliness of women's college basketball, it became something that was familiar to me. The opportunities the Lord provided for me became something like a rhythm, and although I of course failed miserably at times, the Lord always brought something encouraging to me, like a soul eager to learn more about Christ that I could invest in and mourn with and rejoice with along that path. I knew I would get persecuted, but it was almost like I was familiar with it- even knowing what types of persecution to expect and how to deal with it (sometimes. It still hurt though). This....this is all just so new to me. Sharing Christ in the workplace is harder because I don't live with these people. They don't know much about me except for what they see from 9-5. They don't live in the next room and they don't eat 3 meals a day with me and go on road trips with me. I pray the Lord will guide me, teach me and continue to mold me and transform me into the image of His son. That's the only way anything can get done, anyways. I bring nothing to the table. Which reminds me:

I love pastor Riddlebarger's illustration of communion. All of us, Oliver Twist-like, come to the table with nothing in our bowls...nothing to offer, just dirty and hungry and eager to be fed and filled by the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen to that.

And with that, I can't really find much more to say. What an amazing image.

(Except for...the title of this post has nothing to do with anything in this post. Hope it didn't disappoint anyone too badly. It's just that I couldn't think of anything to call it...and I experienced my first earthquake out here a few days ago. So I mean, I just thought I would write my first blog post as a Southern Cal resident and name it earthquake in honor of my first one.) ha. Ok goodnighttt, I need to get some sleep.

In Christ Alone

I don't play the piano...but I had a couple days off from basketball to spend at home....sooo I decided to pick up this new hobby yesterday :) This is my favorite hymn. Its still rough around the edges, but its for God's glory nonetheless.

Another Poem

Mixed up. What a mess covered in a glossy coat
Back and forth. Back and forth on this sea-sickened boat.
Its been a while. Way too long for sanity’s sake.
If you knew how long you would probably call me fake.
Am I awake?
Maybe I fell asleep with my eyes wide open.
Knowingly or not, the Verdict has still spoken.
But am I broken?
I’m kind of nauseous. Actually, I’m very nauseous.
The outside has taken over with a series of blotches.
I can barely stomach to watch this.
Please, someone turn on the faucets.
Apparently I’m incapable of doing so myself.
So for my own benefit, for my Spiritual and physical health
Turn me somewhere besides inside myself.
Do you empty the trash when it’s piling up?
Do you sift through the junk, do you clean up the muck?
Or do you sit idly by and just wait for the truck?
After all, doesn’t it come by to pick it all up?
What a shame. Helpless to even will my way through
This freedom concept doesn’t feel very true.
Good thing feelings are subjective and don’t hold much weight
Good thing from the beginning I presented nothing on my plate.
Nothing of my own, no credit to my name
I came empty handed and I come now the same.
So take this shame.
I’m tempted to just fall in line with the world
Who doesn’t stay up late and wrestle with the Lord
But the word of God is sharper than a double-edged sword.
So staying up late is about all I can afford.
Its cuts through the mire, it splits my intentions.
It even puts my rest and my sleep on suspensions
Nothing is out of reach, no measure too great to be taken
No idol or affection can be hidden or mistaken
When the Light shines down, the darkness must run
Even if its been a while since it last saw the sun.
I’m undone.
You desire truth in my inner most part.
Please grant this, my Lord. Purify this heart.
Cuz at my best I’m a wretch, but my standing’s objective.
Righteous by the blood of the Lamb resurrected.

Dark Nights of the Soul (Brokenness and Sanctification) with Doug Eaton

A wonderful video from one of my good friends and brother in Christ, Doug Eaton. This video talks about how the Lord can bring His children down to some of the lowest times so that we will come to see our sinfulness. The best way I have ever heard this being described is "the valley of vision." I've had this happen to me a couple of times in my life, and one time being recently. It feels as if the Lord has withdrawn Himself from us, so that we may see His judgment of sin in the realeast way and so we may see the deception of the sins we have been ignoring or giving into. And yet, the result of this time, for the beleiver, is ALWAYS restoration and repentance unto LIFE and true sanctification. Affliction really is the way in which the Lord gets our attention. I seriously feel like Doug took the words right out of my mouth in this video, but expresses it better than I could so no sense in saying anything else. May the Lord use this video to encourage people out there that are finding themselves in the 'valley of vision' where sometimes it feels too painful to even function. This too shall pass, and remember James 1:2-4 as you endure. Take heart, my brother or sister, it is the Lord dealing with you as one of His CHILDREN, not enemies.

The Dark Side...

OHHH NOOOO. Oh Yes. I joined twitter- the very thing I said I would never do haha. Lane wore me down and I finally gave :) Going to use it for the glory of God! Feel free to follow me if you would like:

http://twitter.com/SusanYenser

Spurgeon Devotion

“Forget not all His benefits.”
- Psalms 103:2


It is a delightful and profitable occupation to mark the hand of God in the lives of ancient saints, and to observe his goodness in delivering them, his mercy in pardoning them, and his faithfulness in keeping his covenant with them. But would it not be even more interesting and profitable for us to remark the hand of God in our own lives? Ought we not to look upon our own history as being at least as full of God, as full of his goodness and of his truth, as much a proof of his faithfulness and veracity, as the lives of any of the saints who have gone before? We do our Lord an injustice when we suppose that he wrought all his mighty acts, and showed himself strong for those in the early time, but doth not perform wonders or lay bare his arm for the saints who are now upon the earth. Let us review our own lives. Surely in these we may discover some happy incidents, refreshing to ourselves and glorifying to our God. Have you had no deliverances? Have you passed through no rivers, supported by the divine presence? Have you walked through no fires unharmed? Have you had no manifestations? Have you had no choice favours? The God who gave Solomon the desire of his heart, hath he never listened to you and answered your requests? That God of lavish bounty of whom David sang, “Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things,” hath he never satiated you with fatness? Have you never been made to lie down in green pastures? Have you never been led by the still waters? Surely the goodness of God has been the same to us as to the saints of old. Let us, then, weave his mercies into a song. Let us take the pure gold of thankfulness, and the jewels of praise and make them into another crown for the head of Jesus. Let our souls give forth music as sweet and as exhilarating as came from David’s harp, while we praise the Lord whose mercy endureth for ever.

Jeff Noblit- Human Reasoning Vs. The Word of God

This is one of many sermons in a series from Jeff Noblit called Solving Problems and Healing Hurts. I pray that this encourages you like it did for me. Let this be a good time to test whether or not you are living your life based on the word of God or on human reason and psychology. On the surface, as Christians we would definitely say...THE WORD...but I pray this teaching would really cause you to dig deep and examine if this is true. I know it was able to stop me in my tracks and repent. Only God can change anything, so you can look within yourself all you want but ultimately you will find nothing. There's nothing in there that you can trust. The world tells you to look at yourself, to explore your past, to look at your experiences, to look at your fears, to look at your suffereings. And while all of that may seem like a good idea to us, ultimately we must trust Jeremiah when he says that our own hearts are deceitful. So then where can we turn if we are this capable of deceiving ourselves? We must turn to God and His word and faithful promises. It is the only reliable answer we have. If one has a foundation that this is true no matter what emotions and human reason are saying, then and only then can you go on with your life, trusting in God and His sovereignty. Much easier said than done, as I am daily finding out. Actually, it is an impossible task; only the Lord can grant it. This is so hard and goes completely against all of my flesh which is agonizing, but the Lord is so gracious to even put this kind of teaching in my path so that through His Spirit He may crush my flesh.

Just remember that the Holy Spirit will never guide you to look within yourself. Not for answers at least. Think about salvation. It is a work of God. It is done by the convicting power and drawing of the Holy Spirit. It is not anything of yourself, only the Spirit. So why, when we find ourselves in situations that cause us affliction or hurt, would we run to the world's wisdom? I cannot even act ignorant of that question even though I want to, because I do it all the time. I know I do it because it is a tempation to just appease the flesh, and I give in.

"Are we going to start by the power of the Holy Spirit yet finish with the arm of the flesh? Start with the Spirit and end with humanity and man's wisdom? No we're diciples of Jesus Christ; we're people according to a new Way" -Jeff Noblit

Galatians 3:2-5

"Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh? Did you suffer so many things in vain--if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith"

I must say that even writing these words right now are hard for me. In the midst of a time when I am battling every second to not rely on the arm of the flesh (and feeling as if I'm failing most of the time), this post is difficult to even publish. Mostly because I feel like a hypocrite. It is not as if I can "feel" the Lord really rescuing me from human reason and from my emotions, because honestly I don't. Not all the time, at least. But I know He is bringing me through all of this for a reason, and I praise Him for even bringing me to a point where I know that even though I don't feel all fuzzy inside, He is still working. And for some reason the Lord is revealing this stuff to me so that I myself would believe it, and even though I am struggling to do so, I cannot keep but writing it in hopes that someone else would read it and be encouraged. I pray that is what happens.

Solving Problems, Healing Hurts: The Foundation p2a -

This series is quite an amazing one. There are many, however, and as tempting as it is to post all of them on here at once, I figured I would start with just this one first. There's enough to chew on here for a lifetime. But, if you want to check out the whole series I got it off the anchoredintruth.org podcast.

I Cry Out Day and Night Before You

Praise God for the Psalms.

PSALM 88

O LORD, God of my salvation;
I cry out day and night before you.
Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry!
For my soul is full of troubles,
and my life draws near to Sheol.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am a man who has no strength,
like one set loose among the dead,
like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
for they are cut off from your hand.
You have put me in the depths of the pit,
in the regions dark and deep.
Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves.
Selah


You have caused my companions to shun me;
you have made me a horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O LORD;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the departed rise up to praise you?
Selah

Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
Are your wonders known in the darkness,
or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

But I, O LORD, cry to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
O LORD, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your dreadful assaults destroy me.
They surround me like a flood all day long;
they close in on me together.
You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
my companions have become darkness.

Amazing Hymns

Here are two hymns that we sang today in church. Wow God has a way with timing, huh? May they encourage you as they have encouraged me today.

DAY BY DAY

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,
I've no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E'er to take, as from a father's hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.


HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Sweating Drops of Blood

Luke 22:44

"And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground."

I'm definitely writing this post tonight...broken hearted and confused. And yet, with a peace that surpasses any type of understanding that my mind tries to wrap itself around. My post tonight is going to be really simple, and hopefully God will use it to clear a lot of things up for some people...especially myself. My focus really shifted tonight towards thoughts of our great Redeemer- the One who through whom and by whom and for whom ALL things were created. Our great Mediator...our Advocate before the Father. Jesus Christ who sits at the right hand of the Father and is seated upon His throne. The Lord graciously led me to this verse that I posted above, Luke 22:44. This verse describes our Savior, my friends! This isn't describing a mere man walking upon the earth and enduring hardships. This is the perfect Son of God who, upon recalling his upcoming crucifixion and bearing of the wrath of God towards sin, was struggling so intensely! Praise God that we have a High Priest who has experienced the very hardships and emotions that we endure as human beings!

I also want to point out something that may be really obvious, but is really permeating my soul right now. It is the truth that God uses things that are so intense and painful to sanctify us and to bring good out of it all, for His glory. This is a verse of Jesus praying in agony so much so that He is sweating blood. Jesus knew He was about to go through the darkest time in human history- enduring the wrath of His Father. He knew this, and He was in pain over it. But yet, He remained sinless, and kept His focus upon the perfect plan of His Father. He knew that by enduring this horrible horrible crucifixion, so much good was on the other side, and the Lord's name was going to be ultimately lifted up.

O that we would learn from our Savior. O that we would humble ourselves enough to submit to the Lord's will in our lives no matter how much blood it causes us to sweat (figuratively speaking). If our Lord had to endure such agony while here on this earth, what makes us think that we can skip through life unscathed. As a Christian, one thing is for sure...deep, heart-wrenching afflictions should not come as a surprise. Why would our path be any different than our Lord's? Jesus Christ's death on the cross is proof that God uses those things which are of the utmost pain to bring the most good and the most glory to His name.

One could possibly object here, and say "but Susan, Jesus had perfect knowledge that even though He knew it was going to be grueling, everything in the end was going to work out for the better. In my life- in situation x- there's no guarantee that everything isn't going to fall apart on me...and cause me to hurt for the rest of my life."

Maybe I just quoted myself. hmm.

So here comes the scripture to rebuke me....as usual.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."

Romans 8:28-30

How much more reassurance could we possibly ask for? First of all...all things work together FOR THE GOOD for those who are called according to his purpose. Wow. Seriously? Even this pain? Yes. Not to mention the verses that follow that basically should have every Christian jumping up and down praising the Most High for the work that is promised to take place in them. Its incredible. It's also incredible of how quickly I can let this eternal perspective go down the drain. Lord, please forgive me and grant me the grace to endure affliction like my Savior did: with Your perfect will in mind.

Read Luke 22:44 again. Jesus wasn't naive. He didn't put on a happy face and prance through the garden. His agony was felt in the depths of His soul. Being a Christian doesn't mean you hang up the phone after that gut wrenching phone call and put on a smile and act like you are ok when clearly your world has just been shaken to the core. It means that you deal honestly with the situation, and you are real about the pain that it is causing. So real in fact that it makes you sprint to your Savior to comfort you...and to remind you of His word...and His promises. Praise God for them. Being a Christian means that these fires of sanctification cause you to shelter yourself with prayer....just like Jesus did that night. "He prayed more earnestly." WOW. I pray that the Lord would draw me unto Himself through all of this. That I would run to Him, and do what my Savior did: pray more earnestly. These afflictions bring up the need to examine myself and hold myself up to the mirror of scripture, yet again. Praise God that He is faithful and worthy of our trust. Praise God for His perfect will and how all things are done according to His good pleasure and for the glory of His name. Please Lord...Please grant me this perspective...and continue to sanctify me. Please do the same for my brothers and sisters, Father. Thank you for the gift of repentance and salvation. May our hearts be filled with grattitude tonight, as we fix our eyes on Jesus Christ the Author and Finisher of our faith.

Been Around the World....

Ok, So maybe I haven't quite been around the world...but it sure does feel like it! Since finals finished up the last week of April (and I was [temporarily] loosened from the reigns of college basketball) I have traveled to: Belize for a week on a mission trip, California for two weeks to see the boyfriend :), while I was out there we drove to Phoenix for a few days to visit with James White and his daughter Summer, went back home to Georgia for a week, and I am now in Kentucky visiting my extended family.

It's been an awesome month, but it is coming to a close, unfortunately. I will be returning back to Florida at the end of this week to get back to team training and also an internship at Sears. (It's my first real job ever lol). Balancing work and workouts could get interesting but at least it is only for 8 weeks :)

Anywho. The Lord has used this month to really really refresh me. It was probably the most long awaited month of my life, considering I finally got to see Lane after not seeing him for 5 whole months. Long distance relationships are quite tortuous. I have never relied so much on the grace of God in all of my life....which is probably the purpose of it then, huh?

Here is just a little taste of my time out in Cali. Lane and I took the video camera with us one night and after dinner we filmed a quick video promoting A.W. Pink's book "The Sovereignty of God." This book really did change my life, so I want to recommend it again to anyone who has never read it.

Here is a link to read it online for free: http://www.reformed.org/books/pink/

John Piper on the 'Bad Eye' in Matthew 6:23

(This is the passage by John Piper that I alluded to in my previous post. This is what the Lord used to wake me up during the season. It really convicted me of just how bad my eye had become in regards to my perspective on what was going on around me.)

What is the 'Bad Eye' in Matthew 6:23?
By: John Piper

A verse in Matthew is somewhat difficult to understand. It seems to dangle in the Sermon on the Mount with little connection to what goes before and after: "The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, 23 but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!" (Matthew 6:22-23).

Before it: the familiar saying about not laying up treasures on earth: "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:19-21).

After it: the equally familiar saying about not serving God and money: "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money" (Matthew 6:24).

Therefore, the sayings before and after Matthew 6:22-23 deal with treasure or money. In fact, the first would flow really well into the second if we simply left out the intervening verses 22-23. The gist would be "Treasure God in heaven, not money on earth . . . because you can't serve two masters, God and money." So why does Jesus link these two sayings about money and God with a saying about the good eye and the bad eye?

The key is found in Matthew 20:15. Jesus had just told the parable of the workers in the vineyard. Some of them had agreed to work from 6 am to 6 pm for a denarius. Some the master hired at 9 am. Others at noon. Finally some he hired at 5 pm. When the day was done at 6 pm he paid all the workers the same thing--a denarius. In other words, he was lavishly generous to those who worked only one hour, and he paid the agreed amount to those who worked twelve hours.

Those who worked all day "grumbled at the master of the house" (Matthew 20:11). They were angry that those who worked so little were paid so much. Then the master used a phrase about "the bad eye" which is just like the one back in Matthew 6:23. He said, "Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?" (Matthew 20:15).
Unfortunately that last clause is a total paraphrase, not a translation. "Or do you begrudge my generosity" is a very loose paraphrase of "Or is your eye bad because I am good (? ho ophthalmos sou pon?ros estin hoti eg? agathos eimi?)" The "bad eye" here parallels the "bad eye" in Matthew 6:23.

What does the bad eye refer to in Matthew 20:15? It refers to an eye that cannot see the beauty of grace. It cannot see the brightness of generosity. It cannot see unexpected blessing to others as a precious treasure. It is an eye that is blind to what is truly beautiful and bright and precious and God-like. It is a worldly eye. It sees money and material reward as more to be desired than a beautiful display of free, gracious, God-like generosity.

That is exactly what the bad eye means in chapter six of the Sermon on the Mount. And that meaning gives verses 22-23 a perfect fitness between a saying on true treasure (vv. 19-21) and the necessity of choosing between the mastery of God and the mastery of money (vv. 24).

So the flow of thought would go like this: Don't lay up treasures on earth, but lay up treasures in heaven. Show that your heart is fixed on the value that God is for you in Christ. Make sure that your eye is good not bad. That is, make sure that you see heavenly treasure as infinitely more precious than earthly material treasure. When your eye sees things this way, you are full of light. And if you don't see things this way, even the light you think you see (the glitz and flash and skin and muscle of this world) is all darkness. You are sleepwalking through life. You are serving money as a slave without even knowing it, because it has lulled you to sleep. Far better is to be swayed by the truth--the infinite value of God.

So if you are emotionally drawn more by material things than by Christ, pray that God would give you a good eye and awaken you from the blindness of "the bad eye."

It's Been a While...

Wow I can't believe I haven't written anything since January. I apologize for that, and I really do hope that with the season winding down now I will have more time to contribute to this. I realize so much now the providence of having to sit out of basketball last year because of my transfer. It was right after the Lord had awakened me out of cultural Christianity, and He divinely placed me in a situation where I could dedicate time and energy to the ministry and really study His word and also share my thoughts through the means of this blog. Now that I am almost finished with this season I now see how much of my LIFE it takes up. I mean it is my fourth year of college basketball so it wasn't a surprise, but taking the year off and then coming back really put it in perspective. I just am really praising God that He brought me back to the game of basketball this year with a completely different perspective on things. I went from basically worshipping the game (and really myself) to submitting my ways to the Lord even though that is really hard to do in such a secular (and prideful) environment. It hasn't been easy by any means. The Lord has had to walk with me hand in hand and also be there to correct me when I would lose sight of what really matters. I think the most amazing thing that I have learned this year is this: what is great in the eyes of the world is not always great in the eyes of God.

Ok, that sounds really really simple and elementary, but please listen to me when I say that the Lord has taught me this in the most personal and outright way that He could. It is one thing to profess that you believe that God's idea of great isn't always going to be great to your flesh or to the rest of the world, but it is a completely different thing for God to take it and penetrate your soul and let it transform your life. This is deep stuff; that is what I am learning right now. I don't know about you, but anytime the Lord is teaching me something, I can feel it. I don't mean that in the sense of 'oh I get the fuzzy wuzzies'...I mean I can feel something stirring on the inside of me. It's almost a restless feeling I get deep within me, as if I can feel the Lord transforming me from the inside out. I don't mean to freak you out with that, but most of the time I really do feel that way. I think it is whenever the Lord is taking something that I have believed on the surface level for so long and then starts renewing my mind and transforming my life with it- just like He promises He will do in His Word. Wow, just thinking about this process right now is overwhelming me. You see, this year has been a tough one for me (and by year I think more in terms of basketball seasons so really I am referring to the last 9 months or so- sorry its just how my brain operates). Not in the sense of "whoa is me" because it has still been a great year, but just in the sense of I have struggled a lot and I have failed a lot and I have felt far from God a lot. All of that being my fault and a result of not taking the opportunity to truly spend time with the Lord and make sure that I was lining myself up with Him and His word. Examining yourself takes time and effort...and I found that it is something that you can easily put on the backburner if you aren't careful. On the flipside there has been great things happen as well- and there were times when I had amazing time spent with the Lord. I guess it was just a testing time for me.

So I sat down tonight and I put my fingers to this keyboard and I had NO IDEA what I was going to write ahead of time. All this just starting coming out. And let me say that these past few moments have been so refreshing. Just recalling the faithfulness of my Lord is blowing me away, and I am sad to say that I have missed writing because it is a way that the Lord really brings into perspective just how much He is teaching me and transforming me. But no doubt His timing is sovereign. God taught me a lot last year through the triumphant times of sharing truth with others and being blessed enough to watch seeds of the Gospel take root and transform people's lives right before my eyes. And then in contrast, He has taken this year of more dry and desert-like times to teach me just as much. And bless me just as much. I guess this is where the whole "great to you doesn't always look great to God" thing comes in...

I know I sound like a broken record, but playing college basketball is grueling. It is a mental and physical drainer that can really drag you through the mud if you let it run your life. The emotional ups and downs could put someone in the crazy house. haha. But seriously. I don't say that for your sympathy. I chose to play it and in return it has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I am saying that just so you can get the setting of what I am going to share. You give up hours and hours of your day to go through workouts that make you want to cry. To get treated sometimes like you aren't a human being. To be put on a huge stage for the world to see, and wondering again why you would take on something with so much pressure when you could just be like an ordinary college kid. Then something comes along that makes it so worthwhile that it's enough to get you through it. It's a business. Sometimes you feel so helpless and you don't know where or who to turn to because you will just be reminded with the cold reality that it's a business just like everything else.

So when I started to face all of this again this year, I found myself feeling, again, so helpless. Thoughts of "man if I could just get my chance" or "why am I doing all of this if it's never getting noticed." I began to become very uneasy and antsy about my position on the team. I would play a lot, then I wouldn't. I would play a lot, then I wouldn't. And no matter what I realized that I wasn't really in control at all. And as a basketball player it is difficult to not get caught up in the appearance of things. For the many games I started this year I was excited that people would see me and see that I started for Florida and be impressed. Then for the many games that I just sat there on the bench and played very little I was worried what people would think about me then. While that seems natural for a human being, it is sin at its finest. But you see how this up and down teeter-totter could drive you insane. It is the very definition of living in a fish bowl. But like I said, none of this happened in vain. The Lord was up to something....something huge.

While acknowledging that appearance in the eyes of the world meant nothing, I still was struggling. Similar to how I had mentally assented to the truths of the gospel for a long time, it took God’s work in me to make it truly come alive and transform me. No doubt the Lord had done a mighty work in me over the past two years where he really ripped the idol of basketball out of my life. Sitting out gave me the correct perspective on it; I really didn't live for basketball anymore. This I can say with a clear conscience because it definitely didn't control my every thought like it used to. I had released it in the sense of I didn't derive my happiness from it and I really could not play it anymore and move on with my life. But then there was another step that the Lord wanted to take it. With all that said, I was still struggling with this "hey this isn't fair" attitude, and I was also (as I just mentioned) still sinfully worried about the outward appearance of things. I kept asking the Lord why I kept finding myself in the same position over and over again. Why was I continually feeling shortchanged and frustrated? Why do I see all these other people, who don't fear God at all, get things handed to them. Why are they getting the opportunity to reap the success? Ah, yes that's right. Success as defined by who? Man, the Lord had nailed me.

At the same time I was questioning why I was even playing the dang sport. I mean if it no longer defines me, and I could walk away from the game without it destroying me, then what was I waiting around for? But the Lord is faithful and always goes above and beyond anything I could ever fathom with my human mind. He took this opportunity to really put things in perspective of how selfish I truly was being. I mean who said I was playing basketball so that I could do amazing things ON the court. What about the countless opportunities that I get to be a witness for Him simply because I am on the team. I had been looking at things so wrong. I was thinking of it all in terms of how it affected me when really it wasn't about that at all. But God was still gracious enough to change me in the process. He used a series of things that really reminded me of the simple truth that HE defines success, not this world. Man!

1 Corinthians 3:19-23
"For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, "He catches the wise in their craftiness," and again, "The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile." So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future--all are yours, and you are Christ's, and Christ is God's."


1Corinthians 1:20-21
"Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe."

Those are just a few verses that remind us that indeed, we don't define what is good and what is right. God does. (I will share with you at a later date more details on what the Lord used from His word to wake me up.) And as foolish as it might 'look' to the world for me to sit there on the bench it might be JUST what the Lord is using to bring glory to his name. Um, what a lesson to learn. Especially for an athlete. Talk about dying to self. And folks, let me tell you, it took an act of God. It took a miracle for Him to open up my eyes to this truth. Because if left up to me I would have remained in my sinful covetous, grumbling, unsatisfied state. I could write for days and days on the importance of theology and why mine was the reason why I was ever able to see these amazing truths about the God that we serve. He is indeed sovereign, and He is indeed the one who orchestrates, plans, wills and brings to pass EVERYTHING that takes place- and all for His glory. Not even a sparrow falls without His permission. Praise God for that. I never once had to worry whether or not His will was being accomplished through my suffering. I simply had to turn my eyes up to Him and be reminded again that He was in control and that I was an instrument to display HIS glory. Not my own. Not the fleshly desires of Susan Yenser. Man, what a deep truth that was starting to penetrate the depths of me. I could actually feel the Lord changing my mind, renewing it. Making it think completely different because it was so channeled to think like the world. I mean how could it not. Everything around me is telling me to care what the world thinks. Thankfully my God is Almighty and can overpower the principalities of this world. The Lord is doing a work in me that cannot be explained. It is beyond me. It is IN SPITE of me. And it is still taking place. This all happened pretty recently...in fact the season is still going on. We are headed to the first round of the NCAA tournament this weekend...yay :) The Lord has blessed me so much.

So there you have it. I guess I sat down tonight to get all of that off my chest. To share with you guys the faithfulness of the Lord. To encourage you that the Lord is sovereign and in control of ALL things. Please pray that the Lord continues this work that He has started in me. It is farrrr from complete. I still struggle with this, but each time I am reminded of the freedom that is found in the yoke of the Lord. Imagine that. Oh and I can't WAIT to share with you guys the passages/studies that the Lord put in my path to wake me up to these truths. I know I wrote sooo much in this post. I didn't plan to at all. I just couldn't stop. And I didn't even get to the details of the studies, but I will do that in my next couple posts FOR SURE. But I must get to bed. Please check back so I can show you the John Piper lesson that really smacked me in the face with my sin of coveting the things of this world over the precious treasure that is found in Heaven. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. He has saved me from the bondage of sin! Soli Deo Gloria!

ps- I would like to thank the "anonymous" person for posting a comment recently on my last post to remind me to post more often. No doubt God used that comment to spur me on to write this post after having gone so long. God used you, my friend. Thank you.

Matthew 11:25-30

"I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

A blessing in the form of a Dvd!

Well, I guess one of the good things about being on the basketball team is you are stuck on campus over Christmas break with nooooothing to do. haha. Well its not always a good thing, but I did have a lot of time to read and study up on some things, which was very refreshing. My boyfriend gave me this documentary for Christmas, and although I had already seen parts of it, watching it in whole has been SUCH a blessing to me. It helped me clear some things up and also confirm even moreso my belief in the doctrines of grace that have radically changed my life forever. So I just wanted to take the time to direct you to it and suggest it as something worth every penny of the investment. Its only 13 bucks, and its hours and hours of thorough discussion on the history of Calvinism and explanation of its theology. Packed full of Scriptures, it clears up all the misconceptions and straw men that us 'dirty Calvinists' are stuck refuting over and over again, haha. But anyways, click the pic and you will be directed to the site of the Apologetics Group, who produces all kinds of wonderful documentaries such as this one. So, check it out. Oh and I hope to be back to blogging in the near future. Its just so hard being in the middle of the season and traveling so much. I miss it though, that is for sure. God Bless everyone, hope you had a wonderful Christmas break. Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our faith. Amen.

"Persecution or a Great Awakening?" - Paul Washer